My Little Zoo

I'm not quite sure if animals can be douche bags, but the freaking heard of animals living under my front deck is as close as it gets. The other day I almost shit myself when a big ugly possum ran out. Those things are so scary looking. Then the little dick stops and hisses at me, like I'm ruining his day or some shit. That pissed me off, but I could handle that if that was as bad as it gets. At least twice a week, I hear a ruckus that always ends in my whole house reeking like skunk for two days. So naturally I figured there is a family of skunks living there with the possum. Great right? Wait, it gets so much better. Under my deck there is a window well that obviously has one of my basement windows in it. So I'm doing some laundry and I hear a ruckus in the window well. I think to myself, oh shit, there's a family of skunks brawling it out in my window well. I reluctantly open in up and what do I see? Three freaking raccoons! But wait, it gets better. Two of them were screwing, and the girl raccoon was trying to attack the third one while taking it from behind. I totally watched for about thirty seconds because that is a total once in a lifetime for sure. Ha ha ha. How the hell am I going to get all these pain in the ass beasties out of there? I'm sure you're all are very familiar with possums, skunks, and raccoons, but pictures help illustrate just how annoying this situation really is. Here are just some of the little problems living under my deck. I think it's like a turf war at this point.